Los Angeles
(Reuters) – Speaking at a press conference today, Los Angeles Lakers President of Basketball Operation Mitch Kupchak announced a deal whereby all current NBA free agents will be signing with the team for the veteran or league minimum contracts. In addition, the entirety of the players on the rosters of the other 29 National Basketball assocation teams will be acquired via various trades.
According to unnamed sources, Commissioner David Stern’s attempts to block the acquisition “proved futile,” and Stern himself came out publicly via a faxed public relations statement at three in the morning, which was unformatted and read “anybody who was good at basket[ball] is a fucking Laker. Deal with it.”
Golden State Warriors owner Joe Lacob, who approved a deal sending his team’s entire 15-man squad to Los Angeles in exchange for a first-and-second-round protected draft pick in 2018 and Laker season tickets reportedly in the “lower bowl tier,” called the trade “possibly the best we’ve ever made.”
The announcement also comes with a small change in future scheduling by the league office, where the remainder of the NBA franchises will be consolidated into a single “New York Generals” unit which will compete against the Lakers in an 82-game national tour, followed by the elimination of the playoffs in favor of a “local charity dribbling exhibition” and a ceremonial awarding of the Larry O’Brien Trophy to Jerry Buss each year.
Asked about the significance of these events, team captain Kobe Bryant shrugged and commented, “it was on the table for awhile.” Dwight Howard, long rumored to be on the move from Orlando but without any official destination until now, added that he didn’t want to go but “they said franchise centers don’t have a choice.”
Though the Lakers practice facility is immediately undergoing plans to be expanded to the site of the L.A. Coliseum and will accommodate roughly 400 players per session, reports are that former Laker Adam Morrison’s attempts to add his own name to the list remain blocked.
Asked about future plans, Kupchak commented that the team is also “looking into” acquiring franchise rights to the career and total achievements of past NBA legends like Michael Jordan and Bill Russell, though they are currently unconfirmed.